“I used to break a thoroughbred. （我曾經馴服過一匹純血馬。）”
“… Before the accident? （……在你沒有失去雙腿之前？）”
雨天的晌午是六月的尖沙咀。雨霧絹紗般搖曳，聚股成流，在巨大的落地窗上繪出江河湖海。寬敞明亮的心理咨詢室裡彌漫着清新的玉蘭花的香氣，窗邊一排白色的矮櫃上高高低低地擺滿了長勢可喜的綠植，星際種子一樣的單人高壓氧倉還半開着艙門，陳靛半躺在旁邊一架看起來十分柔軟舒适的扶手沙發上半阖着眼，扶手旁坐着一位正專心聆聽的年輕女心理醫師。
“……”，陳靛聽出了她在聯想另外一個角度，于是道：”… before the accident. Before—I lost my memories. （……在我沒有失去雙腿以前——在失憶之前。）”
心理醫師低下頭将所聽到的内容記錄在筆記本上。她在倫敦的老師是陳靛的專屬心理醫師，陳靛因為在失憶截肢之後一直被診斷為患有回避型創傷後應激障礙，後期化療時又确診過重度抑郁并伴有嚴重的睡眠障礙，随着病情恢複和藥物輔助，近段時間他的抑郁症狀明顯好轉，隻是睡眠狀況依然難以改善，尤其在生活不規律、氣候環境變化大的影響下，他幾乎不可能維持正常且充足的睡眠，因而他每隔兩到三周會進行一次心理咨詢和治療，并輔以高壓氧倉進行短時高效睡眠來幫助他提升睡眠質量。
由于陳靛這一次在香港停留時間較長，老師聯系到她并委托她為陳靛在香港提供一次壓氧睡眠治療，囑咐她陳靛近段時間幾乎每一次睡眠都伴有碎片化記憶的夢境浮現，經同陳靛商議，他同意每次睡眠結束醒來通過心理醫師将複蘇的回憶記錄下來作為診療材料的一部分用于病理分析，而她受老師之托來執行這次陳靛睡眠後的夢境記錄。
“His name was Hugh. I tamed him, and then set him loose. （他叫Hugh。我馴服了他，然後放了他。）”
“He was such a thousand-pound muscular buster, standing approximately 20 hands. Totally black. He got dark and wet eyes, the liberty to bound over the corral fence as the avatar from another world. I spent the whole month getting him to know me, letting him sniff, tickle, and nibble my hands. I rubbed the smooth leather across his broad chest, moving steadily but without hurry. One day, I hoisted myself delicately into the saddle from his side. He suddenly pondered rearing, descending into violence, notwithstanding our profound familiarity with one another—whereas proximity does not mean harness, does it? （那是一隻一千磅的肌肉俊美的龐然大物，大概二十手那麼高，通體黑色，有一雙黑亮的眼睛和飛越蓄欄如入無人之境的自由身姿，我花了一個月讓它熟悉我，聞我、撓我、舔舐我的手，而我慢慢去撫摸他胸膛上光滑的皮毛。然後，我才敢從他身側爬上他的背。他起初十分抗拒，即便我們是那麼熟悉彼此，但即便是親近也并不意味着駕馭不是麼？）
“It was until a gloomy evening, I felt utterly worn out by him. Still he was full of go, bucked as a berserker, hit me into the dirt in a sprawling posture, with my foot caught in the stirrup. He neighed and reared, frenziedly smashed his hooves to my face—I barely escaped death under this beast’s tramples. However, when I dragged my exhausted body back to the pasture next day, I broke him. He was trapped. In whatever reason he had accepted my claim to ride him, to his being ridden. He fairly could kick me into death here, while the successor would come and break him in next day. If not today, it would be one day in the future. He’d been trapped… （直到一個暮色消沉的傍晚，我被他折騰得筋疲力盡，他依然精力充沛的弓背躍起将我摔進泥中嘶鳴着擡起前腿險些踢踏到我臉上……我幾乎死在他的蹄子下面。但是第二天當我拖着疲憊不堪的身體回到馬場上，我卻将他馴服了。他被困住了，無論他以什麼樣的理由接受這種困住他的生活——今天踢死了我明天也會有人來馴他，今天不被馴服第二天也要被馴服……他被困住了……）
“Honestly, I could not remember precisely why I did that. I set him free. On the mountain far away behind Peddrio Manor, the breathtaking contour of the ridge crossed over the fence. Took off the saddle and halter, I saw him galloped through the corral in the gray haze of dusk, over the ridge, disappeared from my sight. （到底是為什麼我不大記得了，但我放了他。在佩德裡奧莊園的後山上，越過蓄欄，那是一條十分美麗的山脊，卸下馬鞍和缰繩，他翻過山脊，消失在我的視線裡。）
“I was confined for this for two days in the wine cellar underground. I was not allowed to get any food except for water. The third day, I was taken out, starving to death. I was given some bread and meat soup. After I gobbled them down, my grandfather was there, told me I just ate up Hugh—the soup, stewed by Hugh’s body. He caught him, killed him, and stewed him into soup for me to eat.（我為此被關了兩天的禁閉，在地下的酒窖裡，除了水，我不被允許得到任何食物。第三天我被放了出來，餓的頭暈目眩，我被給了一些面包和一碗肉湯，當我狼吞虎咽完面前的食物，爺爺出現了，他告訴我——我喝掉了Hugh的肉炖的肉湯——他逮到了那匹叛逆的黑馬并宰了他炖成了肉湯給我喝。）”
港島的潮氣伴随淅瀝的雨聲潛伏在蒼茫的碎夢裡，隐逸于隻言片語中的岑寂。
陳靛看到那個女心理醫師聽到最後臉色一白，擡手一捂嘴，幾乎要吐出來。
“I had forgot it for a long time. At times, I felt an inexplicable episode of sickness while not knowing why. It felt like something supposed to be in my memories, but I cannot concentrate on recalling even its outline… （有很長一段時間我忘記了這件事。我有時會感到一陣莫名的惡心，但我搞不清是因為什麼，我感覺應該是記憶中的什麼東西但我甚至無法集中精力去回憶它的甚至是形狀……）”
深藍色的虹膜帶動中央純黑的瞳孔在狹長的眼皮下矯捷轉過，陳靛看到女心理醫師捏緊筆頭的指尖一陣陣發白、筆尖遲遲無法落在空洞的紙面上。
“Pause?（暫停？）”
筆尖輕顫，在白紙上留下孱弱的心緒。年輕的心理醫師下意識把痕迹蓋在手掌下，擡起頭凝視陳靛，握筆的手挽了一下額角的碎發，微笑道：“Don’t mind. I’m professional.（别介意。我是專業的。）”
陳靛沒動，甚至不曾擡一下眼皮或彎一下嘴角，他隻是那樣半阖着眼盯着醫師，然後說：“May I?（我想停一下呢？）”
心理醫師一怔，旋即意識到是陳靛自己要暫停，于是趕緊道：“Oh, okay. Excuse me.”她麻利地收起筆和本，拾起桌上的錄音筆，站起身。她本着良好的職業素養微笑着對陳靛道：“I’ll leave you alone here. Let me know if you feel better.（那您一個人在這邊休息，如果感覺舒服一點了可以再叫我。）”
“Appreciate it.（感謝。）”陳靛淡笑，随即不再看過來，阖上了雙眼。
心理醫師阖門退出了診室。
陰雨潺潺，倦意襲來，陳靛再次陷入了沉睡。
夢裡夢外的芍藥暖香在夢醒時分交相重疊，這世間萬千美好莫過于此。陳靛在半夢半醒間就手找到了鬓邊摩挲的柔荑，無比眷戀地緊緊握在手心裡，眼睫顫動睜開睡眼迷離，大夢方醒。
映入眼簾的是她蔥白秀氣的指尖，小巧而柔軟的手掌散發着溫暖的香氣。陳靛托住那手，依戀地把一隻眼睛連帶着這一側的臉頰纏綿地埋進她的手心——那是華胥一夢中都不曾敢去肖想的再世成全。
“花錢買覺睡就算了，還把醫生也趕出去，這診室可是人家的地界兒。”
身邊的心理醫師變成了夢境中魂牽夢萦的身影，和夢中那個十五歲的她一樣，穿着一件白色沒有袖子的連衣裙，隻是款式更簡約而面料更清貴了。她坐在醫師的椅子上，俯身湊過來輕撫他的面龐，一條修長的胳膊支在沙發靠背上，清麗的小臉融化在背後窗外陰雨天的墨迹之中，美得仿佛從千山萬水的滄海丹青中拂塵而來。
陳靛癡看，勾着她的五指垂眸嗅吻，啞聲支吾：“她需要暫停休息一下。”
生華垂睑，似笑非笑：“什麼時候你也學會憐香惜玉了?”
陳靛無動于衷：“我不喜歡打過折的服務。”
“Hmmm——”生華哼笑，貼得更近，順着他的手用食指去梳理他濃黑的眉毛，半晌，歪着頭嗫嚅，“本來看你難得睡得香，是想讓你再睡會兒來着……”
陳靛閉了一下眼，尋味。
“奈何……”生華面露無奈，食指俏皮地點點他的眉心，卻正色道：“我是來和你請假的。”